K-9000

Dog’s Voice: 6/10

Allstate Guy: 9/10

Machines Being Dicks: 10/10

I love dogs, and there is nothing wrong (i.e. unmanly) about admitting it.  I think it’s a genetic thing, but who knows?  I enjoy sitting down with my favorite two canines and watching a movie about a heroic dog, since I feel that they need to have good role models.  I mean, let’s face it, between Paris Hilton’s shaking rat-faced excuse for a dog and all of the other pocket-pooches that celebrities use as accessories, its hard for me to point out a strong example for my boys.  Well, since K-9000 is about a super German Shepherd, I can finally tell their furry asses to get jobs so they can live up to what is now the standard: awesomeness.  It’s the least they could do for me, since I haven’t gotten around to training them in the art of grifting (Artful Dodger of Oliver And Company is another dog hero…).

Eddie Monroe hates machines.  Machines hate Eddie Monroe.  In fact, it’s almost ridiculous how much machines malfunction around Eddie, so it’s no wonder that he hates them all with a purple passion (I don’t really understand that saying…).  When we meet him, he is out with his partner (that black guy from the Allstate commercials!) enjoying a beautiful day.  Suddenly, the store across the street gets robbed and a car chase breaks out, subsequently resulting in hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of damage.  The hero-cop movie standard of being yelled at by the Seargent and then being demoted to a traffic cop follows, and Eddie just goes with it.

Meanwhile, a lab that is performing some interesting experiments on animals gets attacked by some terrorists, and one very important glowing box is taken.  Only the head scientist, Aja Turner, is able to escape with her life, and she doesn’t intend on going to the police.  After all, they might be in on it.  Instead, she runs around and gets shot at, until finally running in to Eddie who consequently saves her life.  She tells him that he can arrest all of the bad guys ever if he helps her find the missing experiment, and for some reason he listens.  They go to the harbor and find an abandoned warehouse where the thieves are held up, and sneak in the back door.  When they locate the experimental box, they are discovered, but are luckily able to activate a random security door that buys them a couple of minutes.  The box begins to open, and the K-9000 project, Niner the German Shepherd, emerges.  Since Eddie is so bad with machines, he accidentally gets a microchip implanted in his brain that connects him with Niner, and they both jump out of a window to escape.

That guy doesn't even know what's about to happen...

Now things finally get interesting, because Eddie discovers Niner’s secret: Niner can talk!  Also, he has a computer in his brain that has internet access, but the talking thing is the biggest plus in my mind.  They decide to work together to stop Anton Zeiss, the man behind all of the crimes, but as soon as they start to figure out what’s going on, they are both captured.  Anton wants to extract all of the computers and microchips that he can from both Eddie and Niner, but Aja comes and saves the day just in time (by sticking someone with a needle in the ass).  They overtake Anton’s men and then search for Anton himself, who is busy trying to escape.  He manages to shoot both Eddie and Niner, but that doesn’t stop the dynamic duo from pursuing him.  They have their big fight in an observation platform, and Anton takes a swan dive from the highest level.  Eddie and Niner get fixed up and become partners, even though Eddie is such a bad influence.  Awwww.

I like how Eddie has to try to teach Niner how to act like a dog.  I guess they cut out all of Niner’s canine brains to make room for his computer, so he doesn’t understand the joys of fetch or fire hydrants.  That’s OK, though, because he can make phone calls with his ears, and I think that’s a fair trade.  I just tried taping my cellphone to my dog’s head and got a not-so-promising response, but I think I can make it work.  Anyway, the movie has obvious spots for commercials breaks all the way through, and the whole set-up of the premise takes entirely too long.  It’s literally an hour before Niner is even on the screen, and the movie is only 90 minutes.  Poor form.  It’s a good think I had Jax and Also Wolfman to keep me company during the boring human parts.

Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, or my dogs will f**king kill you.

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